Donnie Darko – a rebel without a claus
It may not have escaped your attention that the big C is hurtling quickly towards us. For many of us this is a time of anxiety and existential dread, but for everyone else it is much, much worse.
Awful things will seek their way into our homes and try as we might to ask them to leave; they never will. They will linger like a sticky miasma, settling onto our eyes and ears and eating their way into our minds.
When we close our eyes, we will still see. In the quiet moments we will still hear. In the dead of night they will wake us and never let us settle. Our minds will become washing machines, tumbling with fouled linen. A few bars of Last Christmas will stop us sleeping with its cyclic mental corruption.
I’m talking about Christmas TV, and by extension Christmas music, and books.
If we do not guard against unwanted inward intrusions they will drive us all out of our minds.
Designed to get our attention, they shout louder than any relative. They have a garish disregard to interrupt the flow of conversation and disrupt all harmony of hospitality.
Resist, fight back, for the sake of us all.
If you feel the same way about inane seasonal fodder, try the following guide:
What not to watch
Anything shouty, or with dancing and sequins. That rules out quite a lot (game shows, reality TV, prancing comedians – or any combination of those) so it’s a very good razor. Watch out too for lazy sentimentality, no matter how nice the hand drawn animation looks.
Say no to Strictly, McIntyre, Cinderella, Masked Singer or Doctor Who.
What to watch
Something where the hero leaps from a tall building clinging to a rubber fire hose, and shouting obscenities (yippee-ka-ay), or where the consequences of trying to fix financial trading on the orange crop is to get locked in a box with an amorous ape. Find content that contains extra-planar visitors revealing themselves as giant horror-rabbits, and where consequently the dreams in which you are dying are the best you ever had. And if you can find priests wandering lost in lingerie departments, then so much the better.
Say yes to Die Hard, Trading Places, Father Ted and Donnie Darko.
What not to hear
Unfortunately, music ceases to exist at this time of year as it is pulled into a hidden other dimension until the new year, so if you must listen to something, try to avoid anything with cowbells, tambourines, triangles or any other types of hand held percussion.
Say no to Maria, Cliff, Paul, George and anyone else who seems to be trying too hard.
What to hear
Deck the halls with the deep calming sounds of the cello.
Say yes to Elgar or Bach (JS), or sod it all and put on the Pogues.
What to read
Do not, under any circumstances, allow anyone to influence your choice of Christmas novel, but I can tell you what I’m reading right now.
Graham Greene
Reckless amateur detection, astute character analysis and a charismatic romp through the sewers of old Vienna. Graham Greene’s The Third Man is sharp enough to cut through any turkey torpor.
Stephen King
The Outsider is a typically character-rich tale of twisted Americana. You just know that when the surface detail is scratched, that old Indian cave will prove to be nothing less than the mouth of hell itself. Read this when safely amongst company. There’s no snow, or baubles, just a strange man with a PlayDoh face and straws for eyes.
David J Harrison
Recursion, my own tale of dark psychology is set in the English Lakes. There is a quaint old village, covered in snow and glistening with frost. There is music, food, painting, and laughter, but if the linearity of time can’t be relied upon, is it ever truly Christmas? Plus, there’s something out there that shouldn’t be, and come to think of it, is that really snow?
David J Harrison 