It is a truth universally accepted that celebrities write the best books. Thank goodness there are lots of film stars, TV presenters, politicians and sportspeople all willing to put their names to these things; otherwise our bookshelves will be awash with new ideas, voices and original content. The average struggling author doesn’t get a look in and that’s a good thing. Think how many trees have been saved from independent authors’ works being pulped. Better they don’t get published in the first place, if you ask me.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that celebrities write the best books

Luna the dog

So, this person, Matthew McConnaughton is off the telly, or something. He’s written a memoir, a patchwork of memories, but he also means this to be a self-help guide — a philosophy of life where he urges us to catch and ride the opportunities along the road. His reflections on failure, family, and faith are touching, resonant, and often surprisingly relatable. I would normally dismiss this as self-satisfied claptrap except the man is so successful. Like I said, he’s off the telly, played Batman I think, and so his advice is definitely worth taking.

Yet, the narrative is repetitive and overly simplistic. There is surface detail only, and although self-indulgent, it is rarely properly introspective. Mister McConniverton is annoyingly self-congratulatory, smug even. If I met him on a walk I’d bark at him, no matter how famous.

Also, I don’t like patchworks, they taste funny. I like soft blankets and clean duvets, they’re warmer and more breathable when I stick my face in them. If I’m honest, I’d rather do that than ready a single word more of this rubbish.

So, I tried some of that pulp-fodder from real authors. It wasn’t half bad. Here’s three of the best:

The Outsider by Stephen King

A man with a play-doh face, some horrible murders and a monster in a cave. Lovely stuff.

The Letter of Marque by Patrick O’Brian

A hard-done-to hero in much reduced circumstances. You just know he’s going to come good. Woof!

Recursion by David J Harrison

Something stirs deep underground in this mind-twisting, time-bending thriller. Made me howl with delight.